The Cocoon Breaks Open
I have been in a cocoon for my entire life. I realised this the first week of 2022.
The first 26 years of my life was quite an ordinary life for a Norwegian boy born in 1990. I grew up on the countryside by the sea close to a city(Kristiansand). I went to high school and celebrated “Russetida”(An insane celebration Norwegians do the year we graduate). I went to university and majored in physics and in entrepreneurship. I had sex maybe a little bit later than what is normal. I drank a lot of alcohol while studying. I played football. Normal.
The year I turned 26, five years ago, tides turned.
I started to question myself, my own choices, the life trajectory I was on. Why am I doing what I am doing? Why the fuck am I doing what I am doing? (hehe)
I turned the magnifying glass inwards and initiated a path of self-discovery. Typically, as it suits a man with a masculine ego, the first limits to test were the physical and the mental. How much pain and suffering can my body and my mind take?
I went into the Special Forces. A couple of years there taught me that there are no limits. Seriously, there are no limits!(I just love that) Because when you hit the limit it has already moved. There is always a horizon…
After the military, I went back to society. What now? Covid is all over the place, it is May 2020, 18 months ago. What else to do but to increase the intensity of the magnifying glass, and go deeper. Into the emotional and the energetic part of my being.
In silence, removed from external stimuli. In vulnerable heartclose conversations with dear friends. In ceremonies. In raw forest dances. In nature... I listened. I listened. To what the silence speaks. To what moves in the depths of being…. I found there bleeding wounds, deeply hidden emotions of anger, despair and sorrow. Fear of being me. Fear of showing my inner childs deepest desires. Suppressed emotions that have been buried in my body since early childhood, materialised as muscle tensions in my body. When I open up these tensions, the emotions come flushing out, ready to be felt.
I have felt all of them…
This is my choice. To feel everything my body tells me.
““In order to become whole we must try, in a long process, to discover our own personal truth, a truth that may cause pain before giving us a new sphere of freedom.” — Alice Miller
I have been in a cocoon my entire life. A protective shell of love necessary to keep me safe and able to live a good life. I don’t need the shell anymore. I let it go. I will face the fear that comes with my heart wide open. I choose to.
2022. The year of the Butterfly / Dragonfly
“What is a Butterfly,
if not the flowering of a caterpillar beyond its wildest dreams…”
— Kailash Kokopelli
